Progressive ideology = Nazi Germany = Inflation = Terrorist Donkeys?

Sometimes, just when I think, "No, MaHeCo couldn't possibly present an opinion any more inane than yesterday's," I find myself utterly, profoundly, and beautifully proven wrong.

Check out one of today's opinions, published here: http://www.martinsvillebulletin.com/article.cfm?ID=22348

I’m not sure WHICH part of this article is my favorite, because honestly, it’s just chocked full of goodies. How about let’s start with the fact that this author has the most amazing interpretation of history and political philosophy I’ve ever come across: Brazil, Russia, Argentina and Germany have all been destroyed by progressives? Ok, I’ll accept the idea that Lenin could be labeled as “socially progressive,” but then so was Gorbachev (glasnost’ and perestroika, among others), and so was Yeltsin (shock therapy, “democracy”), but no one can say that all three of those people are the same sort of progressive, in fact they’re pretty much all at odds with one another. What is this omnipotent, omnipresent progression, then, that can have the same label, yet still completely change the same country by at least 3 different people in a myriad of different ways?

Furthermore, from the sentence about WWII vets, I’m assuming the author is referring to the oh-so-well-known era of German progression in the 1940s…. since when has Nazi Germany or devastated-by-war 1945 Germany EVER been considered progressive (other than by Nazis in the former and Allies in the latter?). Even if one were to argue that Nazi organization pulled the country out of its “humiliation” and inflation problems, I’ve got a few words for you: concentration camps = atavism = opposite of progression. Furthermore, if at any point in time Germany was said to be progressive, it was actually when it worked together with other western European countries post WWII (ending centuries-old, mutual hate, distrust, and the whole “balance of power” bullshit that basically ran the world until the 20th century) to create an economic and political union (let’s start with the ECSC, but end with the EU), which made it incredibly politically stable and economically sound.

I’ll only say one thing on the Argentina comment: since when has a dictatorship been considered progressive?

I have to say this, too: I’m sorry, but progressives, specifically (which is to say completely unspecific, what the hell is this guy talking about?), are to blame for inflation in all of those countries and this one? I’m a little confused. Also, where is this masterminding group of individuals flitting from country to country and century to century, wreaking havoc and conquering things. I wanna join! I even have my code name thought-up: Vishnu, the destroyer. Has a nice ring to it, right?

Next, let’s work with the simile of progressives as termites in the dark. Since when has progress been kept hidden? Usually progressives have to champion their ideas and force it into the limelight because they are trying to change the status quo, which is always difficult no matter what the particular goal is. For example, progressive ideology could be considered the civil rights’ movement. Did people sneak around trying to change an entire society? No, obviously not. What about women’s right to vote? Those hunger strikes sure went unnoticed. And what about abolition? I’m pretty sure the Civil War was not that newsworthy, either.

Moreover, in an age when technology is lightning fast and ever present (what up, blogspot), anytime that a change is being pushed politically in the US, people can and WILL find out about it. Sometimes it takes a little digging, but it will happen. I mean look at Watergate: it certainly was not progressive, but it did happen “in the dark,” yet we all still found out about that one. Also the PC and the Internet weren’t even around then, not to mention smart phones, twitter, and FB. So I’m confused again: how do these progressives keep from being outed until our houses fall down?

Let’s move on to the housing crisis. Just to keep up: the progressives- those marauding time-shifting demons- have now jumped from Russia (apparently at any point in the last century), to WWII Germany, to Peron’s Argentina, to the 2000-era real estate market in the US. Right. And it was the progressive’s choice to deregulate banking? I know it is actually a part of progressive ideology in America that everyone should own a home (well, a dream to which every American should aspire). However, I don’t recall hearing about progressives holding guns to bankers’ heads saying, “You know this family can’t afford a $400,000 house, but give the loan to them anyway!” More than anything else, the blame on the deregulation, the blame on the ideology that everyone should have a home, the blame on banking greed, what bothers me the most is how easily people forget that subprime mortgages were CHOICES made by both the lender and the lendee (is that a word? I don’t care). This was a colossal problem on a global basis, but also on an individual basis. Take some god damn responsibility and stop blaming it on fictitious, mythological progressives sneaking about in trench coats ruining society. Who do they think they are? Carmen San Diego?

I originally had two more paragraphs on religion in schools and playboy and condoms, but I realized that was overkill. Here’s the condensed version: separation of church and state, no one’s stopping your kid from reading the bible at home; playboy is illegal in schools (but awesome on its own, yeah I said it: I’m a lush at heart and I like good writers); and 41% of teens 15-16 have sex, at MHS alone there is a 7% pregnancy rate= if only there were more condoms in schools. And as a former 9th grade teacher, I have every right to say that.

My favorite sentence in this entire enchilada of crazy is definitely the middle one of the last paragraph, “We must tolerate murder, pedophiles, terrorists and donkeys (recall the donkey loaded with explosives that killed all the Jews? PETA pleaded with the terrorists to spare the donkeys).” Please, do yourself a favor and take a moment to savor that sentence: “murder, pedophiles, terrorists and donkeys.” Damn, I love this town. “The donkey loaded with explosives that killed all the Jews.” I just had to say it again.

So let me get this straight: the progressives are a band of time-traveling, shape-shifting, donkey accomplice-having, bible-hating, inflation-causing, fascist, totalitarian, anti-Semitic, sex crazed, playboy reading (honestly, there’s some good literature- Kerouac and Updike wrote for it), terrorist PETA members? Ok, good, I’m glad we got that one cleared up.

Why the hell am I doing this?

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
-Lewis Caroll, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"

This blog is dedicated to the tales of woe, loss, worry, love, heartbreak, shenanigans, debauchery and general inanity that take place in Martinsville and Henry County. For years I agonized over the infinite ability of my fellow citizens to make royal asses of themselves, but now I've decided to take a different approach. Not even seven maids with seven mops could sweep up this mess, and besides, if one were to take out all of the fools in the world, "there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit" (Josh Billings). So here's to appreciating the rabbit hole that is Martinsville and Henry County. Enjoy.


Let's start off with a recent facebook note on an editorial entry from the Bulletin.

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Through the years many of you have been incredulous about my tales of Martinsville/Henry County. Just to point out that I am really NOT making this shit up, I thought you would appreciate today's op/ed page in the Martinsville Bulletin. Although reading this page is usually the highlight of my day, I thought some of today's entries were SOOO good, I had to share them.

Underneath the the first article, entitled "'Pro Choice' not a choice" (where the author argues that the cures to cancer and AIDS are being prevented by abortion) there is a lovely blurb by one Brian Hines of Ridgeway, in the aptly named, "Time for extreme measures." Also, the always entertaining J. Michael Bestler wrote a lovely commentary on how baseball caps are destroying society.

"Enough is enough, people. I mean it. Extreme times call for extreme measures. Our county/city has been under attack for over a decade. And now the whole nation is starting to feel what we've been feeling all along. We have lost job after job. The budget is a joke and AEP (American Electric Power) is doing a 360 into pure stupidity [my aside.... so they were stupid before and now continuing to be stupid? How is that a complaint about change?]. We can either stay the course or we can tell the government where to stick it.

"I propose that Martinsville and Henry County secede from the state and federal levels. Talk about history in the making. Put ourselves on the map as the first that got hit but the first to hit back. We get paid in paper and its worth is only what the government says it's worth. It has no real value. We could open our on [not a typo] printing press. If compliance is freedom then we are in heaven. Obey, people."

This story is ALMOST as good as the time in 2005 when Chris Koumparakis claimed that Thomas Jefferson plowed the great plains with immigrants.

Now I'm taking a poll: who does this author most resemble?

A) Patrick Henry (he was a local)
B) Jefferson Davis
C) Pol Pot
D) Lenin
E) Anyone in Chechnya, Abkhazia, Ossetia, or Transnistria
F) Mao
G) The hungry French masses outside Versailles
H) Oliver Cromwell
I) The IRA
J) Che Guevara