Why the hell am I doing this?

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
-Lewis Caroll, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"

This blog is dedicated to the tales of woe, loss, worry, love, heartbreak, shenanigans, debauchery and general inanity that take place in Martinsville and Henry County. For years I agonized over the infinite ability of my fellow citizens to make royal asses of themselves, but now I've decided to take a different approach. Not even seven maids with seven mops could sweep up this mess, and besides, if one were to take out all of the fools in the world, "there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit" (Josh Billings). So here's to appreciating the rabbit hole that is Martinsville and Henry County. Enjoy.


Let's start off with a recent facebook note on an editorial entry from the Bulletin.

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Through the years many of you have been incredulous about my tales of Martinsville/Henry County. Just to point out that I am really NOT making this shit up, I thought you would appreciate today's op/ed page in the Martinsville Bulletin. Although reading this page is usually the highlight of my day, I thought some of today's entries were SOOO good, I had to share them.

Underneath the the first article, entitled "'Pro Choice' not a choice" (where the author argues that the cures to cancer and AIDS are being prevented by abortion) there is a lovely blurb by one Brian Hines of Ridgeway, in the aptly named, "Time for extreme measures." Also, the always entertaining J. Michael Bestler wrote a lovely commentary on how baseball caps are destroying society.

"Enough is enough, people. I mean it. Extreme times call for extreme measures. Our county/city has been under attack for over a decade. And now the whole nation is starting to feel what we've been feeling all along. We have lost job after job. The budget is a joke and AEP (American Electric Power) is doing a 360 into pure stupidity [my aside.... so they were stupid before and now continuing to be stupid? How is that a complaint about change?]. We can either stay the course or we can tell the government where to stick it.

"I propose that Martinsville and Henry County secede from the state and federal levels. Talk about history in the making. Put ourselves on the map as the first that got hit but the first to hit back. We get paid in paper and its worth is only what the government says it's worth. It has no real value. We could open our on [not a typo] printing press. If compliance is freedom then we are in heaven. Obey, people."

This story is ALMOST as good as the time in 2005 when Chris Koumparakis claimed that Thomas Jefferson plowed the great plains with immigrants.

Now I'm taking a poll: who does this author most resemble?

A) Patrick Henry (he was a local)
B) Jefferson Davis
C) Pol Pot
D) Lenin
E) Anyone in Chechnya, Abkhazia, Ossetia, or Transnistria
F) Mao
G) The hungry French masses outside Versailles
H) Oliver Cromwell
I) The IRA
J) Che Guevara